FARCE: Friends and Relations Common Examination
by Astonia
Summary: “If there’s anything you want, I’ll do it.” said Allen, defeated. “But I don’t do sex, if that’s what you want.” Kanda x Allen - 7 days of cooperation or 17 days of cohabiting on some god-forsaken island.
1. Chapter 1

**FARCE: FRIENDS AND RELATIONS COMMON EXAMINATION**

**Summary:** When Kanda and Allen's consistent bickering and fighting extended to an enormous food fight in the cafeteria, Komui felt enough was enough. He was to step in and put an end to this madness or everyone will just suffer in hellhole as long as Kanda and Allen are under one roof.

After failing Komui's personality test, Kanda and Allen found themselves in no favorable positions to fight. They were to cooperate and learn the 'Let's get to know each other and be best friends!' game in 7 days, or die cohabiting in some god-forsaken island.

* * *

**Allen fails a personality test**

_I'm so dead, dead as any other Akumas that would so much as to step a foot into the Black Order, _thought Allen.

"ALLEEEN!!" the bunny boy pounced at the younger, jumping out from nowhere. "SO, how much did you get for the personality test?"

"I don't recall it ever being a personality test," said Allen, looking forlorn. "Wasn't it more like a 'How well do YOU know YOUR friend?' quiz?"

"Same difference," claimed Lavi absentmindedly. "anyhow, you haven't told me how much you've gotten."

Allen stared at Lavi.

Lavi stared at Allen.

After a few seconds, the white-haired exorcist flagged the white sheet of paper in front of Lavi's face, hanging his head in err…disappointment and defeat.

Lavi's eyes widened to the size of saucepans.

There, right in his face, was a big fat red ZERO covering up three quarters of the entire paper.

The marker's comment even had his or her own short paragraph.

_Very, very intriguing. Intriguing on 3 accounts. One, the second paper I've failed thus far. Two, seemingly appropriate answers that alas DO NOT answer to the context question. Three, the very, VERY limited scope of understanding and awareness you displayed in your paper._

_Please see me._

"How cruel!" exclaimed Lavi, sympathetic. "What did they mean by seemingly appropriate answers? There's no such thing as a definite answer in the context of personalities."

"I wish you could take that sort of riposte to the marker," said Allen, looking more dejected than ever.

"Well, I suppose if you had written anything remotely similar to that person's choice, preference or taste, you should be fine. So how the hell did you manage to get a zero for such a simple quiz?"

Simple? Allen could have chucked the bunny boy out of the window and point and laugh at the despairing fall of the great bookman-to-be.

"That." Allen snatched his unflattering grade from Lavi. "Is a thorough misconception and downright understatement of the year!"

"What? It can't be all that hard to smoke your way through the questions! The sorts of questions they ask are for fifth graders."

Allen wasn't listening. Somewhere in the back of his head, he was planning a very, VERY long vacation away from here and somewhere out there, down the gold coast or a sun-tanning day at a Hawaiian beach.

"Hello? Earth to Allen?" Lavi huffed. "Well, unless you tell me what you wrote for your paper, I can't help you the next time you sit for a retest."

Allen revolved a deadpan gaze to the bookman-to-be, stared at him for a second and then returned back to self-hibernation.

"Oh come on, it can't be all THAT bad!" said Lavi, looking chirpy. "No person is as hard of a jigsaw puzzle to figure out…unless that person is Yuu-chan of course, then I must say that you are one damn unlucky person!! Hahaha!"

Allen lifted his gaze towards Lavi.

Lavi stared back at Allen.

Allen started shredding his zero.

"No shit." was all Lavi could say, wondering if it was even remotely possible to help the 'damn unlucky' boy.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Kanda fails a personality test**

"I think you will be pleased to know that your grade isn't the lowest in this cohort," said Marie, settling himself down beside Kanda.

"What? 1 isn't the lowest?" Kanda could _almost_ laugh (I say almost because it would be completely uncharacteristic and, also going against the norms of the Kanda fan club). "What a joke. That person must be the dumbest idiot alive on this planet."

"You can say the same for yourself, Kanda," came a voice in the form of Lenalee. She threw a reprimanding look at the older. "1 is equally shameful to a zero. I don't think you have any authority to mock the other person."

Marie shifted a few centimeters from Kanda who was, at this point of time, emitting his usual vibes of hostility and death. A girl even tried approaching him with a bouquet of roses, which unfortunately wilted upon 5 feets from the exorcist.

"Hn. I'd have you know that such a ridiculous thing like a personality test is of no concern to me. So you can take all your lectures out of here and scam!"

"Oh really?" said Lenalee, eyes glinting maliciously. "Even if it means you have to spend a couple of days living with that person if you fail the sub-paper? Well, if that's the case then I'll take my leave!"

Kanda nearly choked on his tempura.

"What the hell do you mean?!" Kanda stood up, effectively spilling his green tea over the table. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN LIVING WITH THAT PERSON FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS?!"

Marie moved away, far, far away from his friend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Food Fight!**

It was one of those seemingly harmless days where the angels sang a chorus of melody and the birds of paradise lined up a path of roses towards haven. Komui was taking a break from his endless pile of work, humming his way to the cafeteria for another blissful taste of Jerry's cheesecake when something awful struck him in the face.

What did you know? Jerry's delectable cheesecake came from more places than one.

So he tastefully licked his lips, wiped the remnants of whipped cream and cheese off his glorious face and stared at the awful sight otherwise known to the world as a Kanda and Allen food fight.

Food was flying all over the place, and that includes blueberry pie, fried shrimp, octopus balls, dango and Unagi. Talk about the rising food expenditure. Wooden benches and thick tables were tipped over, turning the dining hall into a broken maze of obstacles: Kanda in the West camp and Allen in the East.

"The name's Allen. ALLEN! Stupid Kanda Yuu! Which part of my English do you not understand?! Or is your measly morel of intelligence inadequate for you to comprehend?!" Allen flung more trays of food towards said man.

The reaction was immediate. Kanda returned the favor. He ducked under the table, wiped out another tray of assorted foodstuff and dealt a heavy slam towards his 'enemy'. One could almost hear a 'whish!' sound and then a 'BANG!' from the flying soba noodle.

"Stupid Moyashi, don't insult me with your level of stupidity!! Why don't you shove your mouth with food, shut up and return to the bloody sewers where you belong!!"

More fried shrimps and chicken wings flew over Komui's head.

"Oh yeah?!" Allen shouted. "I wish that someone _would_ shove your katana up your bloody a**!"

Komui has had heard enough.

Food fighting was one thing.

A seemingly innocent 15-year-old boy sprouting colorful language was another.

What on _earth_ would the people think of the Black Order? A mismanaged school of delinquency and felonious consequences, no doubt.

SO when the Supervisor returned from his rather unearthly visit to the cafeteria, he, despite verbal accusations and protests from his fellow workers, conjured up a plan to promote healthy liaison between members of the Headquarters. There was only one thing to do: Setting a FARCE (Friends And Relations Common Examination) whereby candidates require understanding and knowledge of their least favorite person in the entire universe (Earl of Millennium not included because everyone would have failed faster than they can say 'Earl of Millennium').

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Allen's Realization**

**Candidate's Name:** Walker, Allen

**Test name:** FARCE (How well do you know your friend?)

**Selected Friend:** Yuu, Kanda

Instructions to Candidates:

Answer **ALL **questions.

Failure to answer the question requirements warrants an immediate zero.

A passing grade is required for ALL candidates.

You are reminded of the need for good English and clear presentation in your answers.

-

1 (a) Pick one word that best describes your friend.

Answer: Bastard.

1 (b) Provide 2 reasons for your answer in part (a).

Answer: First of all, I'd like to point out that THAT BLOODY BASTARD who is still incapable of pronouncing my name is NOT my friend, thank you. But sure, I have a couple of reasons for his bloody stuck-up attitude. 1) He insulted and called me 'stupid' when I greeted him in the morning. Stupid Kanda Yuu, I wish someone would drag you down to the lowest depths of hell! 2) He accused me of the rising food cost when he's the one ungraciously ordering 5 sets of soba noodle everyday! I wish you'd choke on your noodle!

2(a) Name 5 good traits of your friend.

Answer: Nil. Unless you wish to count cursing others a talent.

2(ai) From your answer in 2(a), how would you help to enhance those qualities?

Answer: Well, I don't think he needs anymore help polishing his vulgarities.

2(b) Name 2 bad traits of your friend.

Answer: Egocentric. Arrogant. Stupid. Idiotic. Mentally perverse. Heartless. Idiotic. And the list goes on…

2(bi) From your answer in 2(b), how would you help to correct those qualities?

Answer: Improbable. Thoroughly improbable. No one can salvage that bastard from his overwhelming ego.

"It's a no wonder you failed!" Lavi exclaimed after a few hours of sporadic burst of laughter and tears. "Man, you crack me up!"

Allen frowned, snatching his answers from his none-too-helpful friend.

"They didn't call it a FRIEND and Relations test for nothing, ya know! You're supposed to give socially correct answers to please the examiners!"

"Sorry, it's not in my trait to lie about something so explicitly and morally unacceptable," said Allen, looking obstinate. "Call me an honest fool but I'm not about to worm my way through examinations puking out stuff that goes against my level of morality and consciousness."

"Hey man, I'm not asking you to put Yuu chan up on the pedestal of sorts," said Lavi, looking ready to burst out laughing again. "All I'm telling you is to…well, magnify his good traits! Not the bad ones."

"But he doesn't have any!" said Allen. "I should have gotten at least half marks for 2(b), I am rightfully spot-on."

"While I admit you're right at certain points of your answers, I believe the markers have their own reasons for not giving you any marks. That's why they asked you to 'see me'.'

"So I'm gonna be fried and eaten?"

"I suppose so, considering you would have to live with Kanda for a couple of days if you fail your sub-paper again."

_L-LIVE with that bloody bastard?!!_

Allen zoomed off at lightning speed towards the science department.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**Kanda's Realization**

Kanda stormed towards his poor friend in the form of one Noise Marie and violently, very, VERY violently shook him by the shoulders. "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT LIVING WITH THAT STUPID MOYASHI?!! WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED?!!"

Marie, close to retching at the violent treatment he was getting (for he was always a delicate person), turned green.

"It would seem otherwise erotic if that person was someone else rather than Marie." someone commented.

The entire room shuddered.

Lenalee calmly walked over and smacked Kanda's head with her 292 pages of _Learning Peace and Solidarity with your Friend_. "Don't blame Marie for your inattentive attitude during pre-examination. And it's not like it's confirmed or anything. I don't suppose the science department would send you guys off to a random desolated island for days of healthy long bonding session. It would put too much toll on the taxes we're collecting."

It was Kanda's turn to feel sick.

"Or I suppose they could," said Lenalee, looking thoughtful with a hand beneath her chin. "Hmm, I wonder what they'll have you two do together…oh well, it depends on who that person is anyway."

Lenalee returned her gaze to buggy-eyed Kanda Yuu and smiled. "So, you haven't told me who's that unlucky chap?"

Kanda wasn't listening, he had slumped down, rather uncharacteristically, on the bench; feeling mortified and thoroughly shocked out of his sockets.

Days away from his life as an exorcist and what's more?! On some god-forsaken island with that stupid Moyashi?!

_Good heavens._

"Allen-kun," came a weak response from Marie who was attempting to catch his breath.

"Shut up, Marie."

Lenalee's eyes widen. "Oh my, Kanda, I'm surprised you even got a mark! So? What was the question?"

"I think it was...the first question. He put 'Naïve'."

"I said shut up."

"Well, Allen-kun is certainly naïve in an adorably charming way. What about the rest of his answers?"

Marie shrugged his shoulders. "Kanda-kun alternated his answers between 'Naïve' and 'Stupid', and his examiner commented that he should read up more to expand his vocabulary."

"Shut up!"

Lenalee threw a disapproving look. "You were prepared to fail, weren't you? You're not even making an effort. Well, I suppose I should relate this unenthusiastic attitude of yours to my brother and have him send you two to the island immediately."

There was a no need for Lenalee to continue.

Kanda had miraculously disappeared with a 'poof!'


	3. Chapter 3

**Retest, please!**

The science department had been an otherwise peaceful haven if not for the presence of one, a very pale looking Allen Walker and two, an enraged Kanda Yuu.

"I WANT TO SIT FOR THE RETEST!!!" they both shouted harmoniously which is probably about the one and only thing they agreed on.

The infamous two then proceeded to spitefully snarl and growl at the other.

"You're not going to convince anyone into letting you two sit for a retest with that murderous looks on your faces," said the source of frustration. "Now, now, Yuu-kun and Allen-kun, surely you two are potential playmates --"

"PLAYMATES?!!" it was everyone's turn to stare oddly at Kanda and Allen.

"Sorry, my bad, let my correct that statement." Komui cleared his throat. "I'm sure you two will become the best of jolly friends in the entire universe if the both of you work together --"

Allen frowned.

Kanda opened his mouth to retort but then quickly snapped it close for fear of destroying his only chance to redeem himself and his sanity.

"—joyfully and harmoniously! No more food fights," reprimanded Komui as one would to a child. "And no more vilification of one another, understood? And that means you, Kanda-kun, you must practice restraint on your daily curses and vulgarities."

Allen started chuckling to himself.

_Hahah! You deserve it, you bloody bastard!_

" – and also YOU Allen-kun. My god, I haven't heard a minor shoot off such ungentlemanly language since my teenage years --"

"You haven't met a lot of people obviously." muttered Allen under his breath.

" - and good lord, when I was your age, I don't even use such unearthly language!"

"Then you must have been one sad and deprived teen." said Kanda, annoyed.

Komui threw a sharp glance which effectively zipped Kanda's mouth.

"So yes, where was I? Oh, my glorious self deems it would be most appropriate for you two to sit for a retest in…hmm, a month?"

"A MONTH?!!" they both exclaimed.

It's not possible for them to know the ins and outs of the other in a matter of 3 weeks! How is that even humanly possible?!

"Too long? Very well then...two weeks should be sufficient." Komui noticed the pale faces of the two. "No? Well, you two are very hard to cater to. A week and that's final."

- - - - - - - -

**One week and a kiss**

"So you have a week to find out everything there is to know about Yuu-chan or you'll both have to live together for the next 17 days?" Lavi asked, amused. "Why 17?"

"That's not the issue here!" yelled Allen and then, noticing the odd stares from others around them, quietly settled down.

"That's not the issue." He repeated, in a rather muted tone. "It's the number of days I'm left with before I'm officially sent to hell! And that is 7 days!! 7!!"

Allen was waving his hands over his head in a monkey-sort of fashion one adopts when attempting to seek attention. He did, of course, successfully grabbed the attention of one…

"That's right, keep acting like the idiot you are and we'll be both dead. Thanks a lot, Moyashi." said Kanda, throwing him a scathing glare.

Allen glared back.

"I'd have you know that I'm equally disturbed as you are about the whole living together thing!" said Allen, trying his best to keep his voice toned down. Not that he could help it of course, seeing the Japanese samurai and his damn face was always the cause for high blood pressure. "I can't imagine the possibility of one to retain his or her own sanity living together with someone as egoistic as –"

"And I can't imagine _either_," Kanda spat. "The slightest probability of an individual retaining his high level of intelligence being conformed to cohabitation with a mentally challenged individual –"

" – someone, not naming names (Allen stared hard at Kanda at this point), who has such perverse thoughts that I'm beginning to worry about the safety of the female counterparts and even…" He paused slightly. "The males?"

"HEY! YOU IDIOT BEAN SPROUT, SINCE WHEN DID I HAVE PERVERSED THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU?!!"

"Ohhhhh…." went everyone.

Allen was triumphant. "I never said it was you," said Allen, smirking. "Oh well, glad to know you've finally let it out, my _friend_. Always glad to know." He patted Kanda's back. "You know, I have a great recommendation. A counselor who would be more than willing to help sexually challenged individuals such as your— "

Allen's eyes shot wide open.

Kanda had slammed his lips against Allen's, forcefully grabbing his wrists to restrain the younger. He then pushed the petite body against the wall, effectively locking Allen between the concrete cement and the warm body of his.

When they finally pulled apart for air, it was Kanda's turn to feel triumphant.

Allen was blushing so furiously it was impossible for Kanda not to notice.

"Feeling hot, Moyashi?" His voice trailed off, _sexily_.

"You know." Kanda said. "You might be right. I might be having…what did you call that? Sexually orientated thoughts about you…"

More blood rushed to his cheeks. Allen could only stare, stare at those lips which had been glued to his just seconds ago.

Kanda was smirking. He knew that he had won this battle. Hands-down. Now, it was time for the kill.

Kanda, staring down at the blushing Moyashi, allowed a finger to trail seductively down Allen's cheeks to his chin, lifting it slightly upwards. Their lips were mere centimeters apart, and Allen could feel the soft breaths coming from the older.

At that point in time, Allen held his breath. His heart was pumping so vigorously that he felt sure it would just tear out of his chest.

Kanda pulled his face closer and closer to his, until their lips were barely touching...

"And yet," Allen could hear the low voice of the Japanese samurai. "Even if I were to turn homosexual, it wouldn't be for a brat like you."

Kanda pulled himself away from Allen and smirked.

"_It wouldn't be for a brat like you..." _Those few words resonated in Allen's mind, replaying itself over and over again. And, almost like a _click_! on a television remote controller, Allen's eyes snapped back into reality.

He blinked for a few times.

Dreamy air. Check. One very sexy gaze. Check. Lovely curling lips. Check.

If he wasn't a boy, and some infatuated young girl, he would seem like a perfectly love struck maiden! And what the hell was he doing staring at Kanda's lips?! Sure, that _sexy_ man just kissed him but it still didn't warrant him to give a very unflattering ogle! Wait, did he just say sexy?! Oh god! The insanity of it all!

'Good lord, I'm sure someone spiked my green tea this afternoon!' thought Allen mildly.

"What now, bean sprout?" Kanda drawled in his silky, mocking tone. "Too shocked and overwhelmed by a mere kiss? Don't tell me you've seriously fallen for me?" He smirked.

Allen, by now, had somewhat recovered from his very unmanly discovery aka nearly falling into Kanda's seduction. The blush that ungraciously colored his cheeks, however, was not fading anytime soon.

The fleeting inexplicable and mentally disturbing entrancement was slowly replaced with anger. Wrath was pouring into his system like melted lava.

Oh boy, was he mad.

Mad enough for murderous rage to shroud his senses. It was quite simple enough, none too cryptic, that that kiss was one of ridicule – a mockery of sorts. And Allen fell for it…well, momentarily that is.

_Just watch, Kanda Yuu, I'll make you pay!_

Allen was going to burst out into his murderous rage and yet, he kept himself silent as an afterthought for revenge.

"Oh no, how is that even humanly possible, my dear friend? I was being nice and hospitable enough to let you experience…a different feeling of ecstasy with the same sex." Allen faked smile.

Kanda seethed, pale eyes tearing into the younger.

"And yet, I must say, even for you, I expected a lot more from that kiss. It was..." Allen looked thoughtfully. "How should I put it nicely? A little too…disappointing."

By now, they had both exchanged more than a year's worth of death glares and vibes of hostility, apart from the incongruous fake grins and smiles from our darling Allen.

"You're going to pay, bean sprout," said Kanda. "I'm going to make you suffer a humiliating and utterly disparaged death."

"Oh, I'll be waiting."

They both exchanged death glares again.

In all their lovely exchanges, hugs and kisses, it was quite easy to forget that one bunny boy in the form of LAVI was still present at the scene. (For the rest had scampered for fear of being attacked by the evil vibes transmitted by the two protagonists.)

- - -

"So Kanda was like 'You're going down, bean sprout, you're going down!'"

"And then, and then?!!!" asked everyone at the cafeteria which had otherwise been transformed into a Lavi storytelling session.

"So Kanda was like a seriously enraged bull and Allen couldn't give two hoots about anything at all! And he was like this, and he was like that. But then, you know Kanda, the stubborn mule he is, was seething while Allen was smiling daggers. Though I still couldn't really decipher the whole staring thingy. But it was all so cool anyways! Like some love scene! Minus the sex."

"So, so??!"

"SO, Allen-kun was like 'Come hither, come hither, Kandaaa!'"


	4. Chapter 4

**DAY 1 - Help from Lenalee**

"I'm sorry Allen, I can't help you. It would be an equivalent of cheating in a test." said Lenalee, apologetic.

"It is just a personality test anyways! Why is everyone treating it like some official examination?!" Allen was exhausted. He had been approaching almost everyone and anyone who have had at least establish a single line of communication with one Kanda Yuu and, considering the few friends and people Kanda has been in contact with…

IT. WAS. HOPELESS.

Lenalee could only shake her head, mustering the most sympathetic look on her face.

Lenalee, probably one the very few surviving friends of Kanda's, was the most reluctant (hell, she wouldn't relent!) to help. Only God knows why! She mentioned something about cheating and going against the norms of FARCE, which Allen thought was utterly ridiculous.

Then again, she is the partner in crime of the establishment of FARCE.

Allen had attempted to seek help from Lavi but he was nowhere to be found. Talk about fair-weather friends, huh?

Someone claimed he died. Because the last someone had seen of him was a very tall, chiseled chin and long haired guy dragging the poor boy away down the corridor.

And he was still missing.

"What am I going to do now?!" said Allen, exasperated. He was worn out of all ideas to at least achieve fundamental understanding of that bastard. Hell, he might as well go straight into the examination hall and declare himself a failure!

At this juncture, he was definitely not going to pass his sub-paper.

"Have you ever tried approaching your test subject?" asked Lenalee, raising an eyebrow.

"Huh?"

"I'm referring to Kanda. Have you ever tried talking to him? I think that's the most effective way of gaining knowledge and understanding from the person himself!"

Allen was throwing her a disdainful look. "Please tell me you're joking."

And when Lenalee shook her head for the second time that day, Allen smacked both palms onto his face. "You're kidding!! There's no way in hell I'm gonna talk to that bas- I mean, Kanda! It's impossible. He doesn't even offer his assistance during important missions with me, why makes you think he'll make an exception now?" Allen was yelling.

"Because you both are equally damned in this exam?" said Lenalee in a rather infuriating matter-of-factly tone. "Your failure is his failure. And his failure is—"

"My failure."

"That's right. So I suggest you two should get some quiet spot down the beach, settle down with a few pieces of cake and tea and talk. Just talk."

The mere suggestion itself was hilarious!

Allen was staring at her with an incredulous look.

"What? It's just talking right? Talk about anything under the sun! You know, the retest could test you on the most unexpected subject!"

The word 'just' merely added on to the dramatic irony of the situation.

Allen was throwing her the same look.

"Uhm, like…like they could test you on Kanda's preference on women, assuming he is straight of course. But then, we wouldn't _really_ know, would we?" Lenalee giggled, and then added an unwomanly snort. "If Kanda declares his preference for males instead, I sure as hell wouldn't be surprised! Say Allen-kun, why are you beating yourself silly with that plate?"

- - -

**DAY 1 - Help from the bunny boy**

"Remind me again why I'm helping you?" asked Lavi.

Kanda's katana gleamed murderously under the dim light.

"Alright, alright, I get it. So? What will you have me do?"

"You're a bookman, aren't you? So, in theory you're supposed to have a perceptive eye for details, which also means you're decently capable of relating to me information about that bean sprout, yes?"

Lavi wasn't sure whether to agree or disagree. He would still die anyways.

He knitted his brows. "You don't say so?"

"....I need to know everything about that bean sprout," said Kanda, looking disgusted as he went on. "Shit, this is bloody ridiculous."

"You don't say so!"

Lavi was a fast learner. Knowing Kanda and his loquacious comments, he wasn't going to stand there without getting his mind preoccupied. He had learned the art of deception in communication; with his eyes fixed on Kanda's face in an expression of rapt attention, serenely not listening, thinking of nothing at all but that lovely lady that had just passed by a few seconds ago.

"I can't fucking believe I'm actually going to commit myself to this stupid thing! That idiot Komui, what on earth was he thinking?!"

"You don't say so!"

"And talking to that bean sprout? How is that even humanly possible?!"

"You don't say so?"

"But I do say so," snapped Kanda. "You idiot rabbit, are you even listening to a damn word I've said?"

"You don't say!"

"Lavi, I'm going to fucking kill you."

"You don't say – I mean, sorry Yuu but I was desperately trying to decipher the very depths of your comments and perhaps diagnose a remedy for your clearly troubled soul…?"

'Troubled soul? What the hell was he talking about?' thought Kanda mildly before rolling his eyes in his I-don't-care fashion.

"Do carry on," Lavi prompted, giving the most attentive gaze. "You were talking about getting to know bean sprout chan?"

"The complexity involved in this quest for comprehension is astounding." Kanda said, with a serious expression on his pale face.

"It's not a quest. It's just Allen."

"I'd never find it in myself to commit my duties on such levels."

"What levels? It's just trying to know bean sprout chan."

"Why, the mere mention of corresponding with that naïve being is preposterous."

"Talking to Allen is preposterous?"

"Aren't you supposed to be listening attentively, not speaking, and helping me think of ways to know that bean sprout?!" Kanda shouted, nerves twitching and all.

"Yeah, I'm just giving you some wise comments, that's all," said Lavi, nodding away. "Though it's quite clear, from the gist of your ranting, you have a psychosomatic blockage that's deterring you from Allen."

"What?"

"In layman terms, you hate Allen so you don't wanna talk to him."

"Nonsense!"

It was Lavi's turn to look stunned. "You...don't hate Allen?"

"Hate is a word much too pathetic to expressively convey my feelings."

"So...you don't hate Allen?"

"Of course I do," said Kanda, folding his arms. "I have an intense hatred and abhorrence for that weak excuse of an exorcist."

"Hatred and abhorrence mean the same thing."

"Shut up."


	5. Chapter 5

**DAY 1 – Under the Staircase**

"Could you please repeat that? That earlier question?" asked Allen, tagging behind Lenalee like a shadow. Jogging and then slowing down to jot down a few pointers in his notebook from the self-acclaimed psychologist.

"What do you most enjoy doing during your leisure time? And why so?" Lenalee was saying, concocting a long list of possible questions for Allen who had found it in his foredoomed fate to be killed in the hands of a Japanese samurai. "If he says something like sword practice and mediating, you've gotta prod further. It doesn't do your script any good to have obvious and clearly stated answers. The examiners would want something more. Something revealing, thought-provoking and interesting. But not some fabricated and baseless statements of course."

"To score in this paper, you've gotta know what the examiners don't already know, _you know_?" Lenalee would add, throwing another rhetorical question in his face. The 'knows' were starting to really burn his brain.

Allen blinked.

"So carry on, you could perhaps question Kanda on his perceptions on respective individuals. Like Lavi and General Tiedoll, for examples. Every individual has had their respective judgments and assessments of their social contacts."

Allen scribbled like mad. _Perceptions on respective individuals._

"To be able to gather insightful details and understandings of an individual's mind would be another way to score distinction," explained Lenalee, and Allen underlined the words in his little notebook. "Gather useful details of his habits, daily routine, his favorite poets, literature texts and even his least favorite person in the world! (Allen was coughing)"

"It might also help to ask questions like 'What do you feel about the social climate established in the Black Order. Do you feel bonded as an exorcist, or an outcast? Is there anyone in particular that you feel…'"

"Sexually attracted to?" said a voice that sounded very much like the bunny boy.

Like a small chick drinking, Allen scribbled that last. It took him a couple of seconds to actually register what was being written down so zealously in his handy dandy notebook.

"Sorry? Could you repeat that? I don't think I heard you right. You don't actually mean 'sexually attracted to' right?" Allen was asking, still furiously scribbling.

"ALLEN, WATCH OUT!!"

The warning had come a second too late, Allen let out a surprised oof! as he crashed nose first into something warm and solid.

Allen jerked back but managed to balance himself.

He then peered up, finding himself staring face to face with one Kanda Yuu. Scratch that, one non-too amused and very annoyed Kanda Yuu. He could swear that expression had been plastered onto his face the moment he had left his mother's womb.

"What are you both doing here?" asked Lenalee in her inquisitive overtones. "Acting so discreetly in this dark and gloomy place! Of all the conducive and brightly lighted places the Black Order has provided us, you two had to talk under the staircase!"

"I could say the same for the both of you." said Lavi, still looking amused at the current Kanda and Allen scene. "What are you two doing here?"

"I was giving Allen some pointers for his retest, what about you?"

"Same here! Uh wait, no. Correct that. I was being a very helpful and empathetic friend, listening to the woes and troubles of my dear friend is a task I feel much obliged to do. Say, Allen, did you really take down what I just said? You know I was just kidding right?"

Allen wasn't listening. He was busy engaging in a staring competition with Kanda. Their glares are so severe, it could sizzle anything!

"Pointers huh? I always knew you were an incompetent fool. But to ask pointers for such a simple and ridiculous test really makes me wonder if logic is even possible for primitives such as yourself." Kanda sneered.

"For someone who simply gotten a mark higher than me, you sure talk a lot!" Allen glared back. "At least I know I'm making an effort. And what about you? Acting so sneakily under the staircase. Good lord, I might never be able to walk down a flight of stairs feeling safe and all, knowing there's some _lecher _hiding underneath."

Lavi was sighing.

Lenalee was having a terrible headache.

Allen was about the only one who could call Kanda a lecher and flash a toothy grin.

- - - - - -

"I think it's going well, don't you?" asked the person responsible for FARCE aka Supervisor Komui.

"Eh? What are you talking about?" Reever asked, lifting his head up from his dreary pile of paperwork.

"Why, my only two failures of course!" Komui was looking excited for no reason at all. "I'm looking forward to their progress! I'm sure they've made some decent and civilized bonding!"

Reever slumped his head back onto the desk.

- - - - - -

"Hn." A slightly amused expression had crawled onto his face. "Is that the only riposte you could offer, bean sprout? Calling me a lecher and all? Surely there's something more intellectually stimulating to your statement? As I would like to assume that all exorcists are capable of using their brains. And yet, my assumptions fail me. I should be damned for having such ludicrous conclusions, knowing an exorcist like you even exist here on earth really startles mankind. Do try not to disappoint the Homo Sapiens." Kanda's words were full of vindictive venom, every single syllabus dripped with sarcasm and derision.

Allen scowled at him, eyes flashing.

"Oh, don't you worry about me. I'm more than capable of utilizing my brain cells, thank you very much. Unlike someone whose vocabulary is only limited to 'Stupid' and 'Naïve' (Kanda directed his deadly glare to Lavi who immediately shrieked and mouthed 'I swear, it isn't me! I didn't tell Allen!' Somewhere, Lenalee was shifting her feet uneasily.), I am rather proficient in my language skills and producing answers that actually correspond with thinking."

They exchanged another round of death glares.

"Wow, this is like a déjà vu or something." Lavi was whispering to Lenalee. "I could swear I've seen this scene before!"


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: Yay! Chapter 6 is finally up! (Wow, the longest, surviving fanfic on my terms. Hahaha!) I wanna give a great big thanks and hugs to all my reviewers! :D Thanks for giving this silly fanfic a chance, read and reviewed it. XD Here. (gives Yullen plushies)  
**_

_** - - - -  
**_

**DAY 2 - KANDA AND ALLEN'S DILEMMA**

"So? What do you intend to do?"

Kanda could only look up and stare blankly at his friend for a few seconds before opening his mouth to answer. "I'm thinking."

"Well keep thinking and soon you'll find yourself staring at your test questions with an equally blank face."

Kanda didn't want to hear anymore. He was getting pretty sick and tired of everyone's consistent nagging and reprimands to work with that weak excuse of an exorcist aka bean sprout. He was an individualist. He didn't need anyone or anything to help him advance in his career as an exorcist. And he sure as hell would not be cooperating with one silly bean sprout for some stupid test!

"You need to work with Allen-kun, Kanda. Why can't you improvise for just this once?" asked Marie, throwing Kanda a puzzled look. "Allen-kun is a really friendly kid. He would be more than willing to cooperate with you if you are."

Yes, it definitely wasn't difficult to approach Allen, and talk to him, and get to know him better.

Unless you're called Kanda Yuu.

His friend, Marie, seemed to have left out that important detail.

"Oh, so you think I can just walk in and go 'Hey bean sprout, I think we need to talk. Do you want to go somewhere quiet for a meaningful conversation with me?'"

Marie shuddered evidently. "Kanda, please don't do that. It just sounds like a bad pick-up line."

"I told you it wouldn't work!" Kanda was exasperated.

"No! I'm just saying it sounds like you're trying to hit on Allen!"

- - - -

Meanwhile, Allen was making....some progress.

_Loves Soba Noodles, especially ones with extra, extra hot Wasabi._

_Does not like deserts. Threw up when tricked into eating a dango. (Side note: Silly man, couldn't differentiate a dango from an octopus ball!)_

"Allen? What are you doing?" Lavi was making his way into the cafeteria when he spotted an inquisitive looking boy hiding behind the big oak door, furiously scribbling away in his little notebook. When Allen didn't respond, Lavi peered into that little notebook and followed his gaze in the same direction.

Lavi almost burst out laughing. But Allen was looking so serious and adorably studious, with his little tongue sticking out and a red pen tucked above his ear, Lavi could not help but…

"HEY KANDA!!" He yelled over the noise from the cafeteria and waved his hands frantically. "KANDA!! CAN YOU COME OVER HERE FOR A SECOND?! ALLEN-KUN WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE EATING FOR DINNER!!"

This effectively caught the attention of not only Kanda, but also the entire cafeteria that immediately turned their gazes to the frozen Japanese samurai.

The booming continued. "SO WHAT ARE YOU HAVING FOR DINNER, YUU-CHAN?!"

A plate of noodles flew over the tables and smacked onto Lavi's face.

"I'm not helping you," said Allen before walking away.

- - - - -

**DAY 2 - KANDA AND ALLEN'S CUPCAKES OVER TEA**

"That bloody rabbit, humiliating me in front of the entire cafeteria and all! Doesn't he have a brain?!" Kanda was fuming, taking quick big steps back to the safety confinements of his room.

His fuming was reaching a dangerous level of eruption; like molten hot lava that was just threatening to explode and engulf all who comes near.

Everyone scattered away like cockroaches upon seeing the blazing Kanda Yuu. But of course, 'everyone' didn't include Allen Walker who was snickering away, happily jotting down things into his little notebook, totally ignorant of a pair of black eyes that poured into him.

Kanda, not amused at all, just stood still and watched, waiting for the approaching kid to come crashing into him.

Within seconds, like Kanda had predicted, Allen's face made contact with his chest for…uh, the second time in 24 hours.

Allen let out a surprised shriek, only to bounce back and drop his notebook.

"You sure have a knack for walking into things. Try keeping your eyes on your feet for once." Kanda sneered, and before Allen could go 'Stupid Kanda Yuu' and start glaring at him again, Kanda bent down to pick up his notebook.

There was an inward gasp from the kid, or rather, horror that drained blood away from his face.

"Hey, give that back you nut!" Allen demanded, trying his best to snatch away his very important document from a very dangerous man. Not that the word 'trying' helped lightened his really desperate attempts at jumping up and down to reach Kanda's height.

Without a care for the poor kid, Kanda smirked and tossed the little blue thing in the air several times.

"Oh, looks like Kanda Yuu has stooped down to the level of prying into people's privacy."

"Say what you will, bean sprout." Kanda said, still smirking. "But don't forget, I'm the one holding the trump card."

That effectively suppressed another retort that was just about to burst out from his throat.

Kanda peered into his notebook regardless of Allen's pleas, looking none too amused at a really shabby drawing of something with two horns that looked vaguely human. There was an arrow that pointed up to 'Kanda, the monster!'

A small bubble speech also emitted from Kanda the monster saying 'HEAR ME RAWR!!! RAWR!!!'

"Amusing, bean sprout," Kanda snarled. "Didn't know you have a knack for self-portraits."

"That's you, you bastard." Allen was saying, before his mouth was zipped shut by another glare.

He was in no position to fight.

"If there's anything you want, I'll do it." said Allen, defeated, eyes transfixed on his blue notebook. "But I don't do sex, if that's what you want." It was Allen's turn to smirk, only to be effectively thumbed down by a glower from Kanda _again_.

Which idiot said Allen Walker was innocent?

"Let's talk, bean sprout."

Allen's menacing glare was quickly replaced with his usual huge, innocent sparkly eyes that politely went "Huh?"

Okay, scratch that. Which idiot said Allen Walker wasn't innocent?

Allen blinked at Kanda several times.

And Kanda, uh, blinked back.

"I said, let's talk. Are you daft?"

The shock must have been too great for Allen for he answered in a very soft and mild voice, "Uhm, uh…okay?" Allen looked unsure. And Kanda looked unsurely at Allen because he was looking so unsure.

"Sorry, I'm not really in the right frame of mind today," said Allen.

'Since when _were _you in the right frame of mind?' thought Kanda, rolling his eyes. But he kept his mouth shut because it was the first time they had established a single line of civil conversation without throwing insults at each other. He didn't want to ruin his only chance of…uhm, having a meaningful conversation with the kid. (as quoted by the man himself)

It really was a big deal. I mean, hey it's not everyday a menacing, tall and rude bastard comes up to you and say 'Wanna talk?'

"If you don't want to, just say it bean sprout," said Kanda, sounding rather tired. "I'm not going to compel you into an agreement, but we could do with…" It was Kanda's turn to look uncertain, awkward even.

He was asking, and yet his tone came off like a demand or an authoritative command of sorts. It all sounded horribly wrong. Like some 'bad pick-up line' as Marie had commented.

How _was _he supposed to continue that sentence?

An awkward silence followed before Allen peered up uncertainly at the older man and said, "Differences aside, Kanda, I'm willing to cooperate with you under the same aim to pass our retest, and we won't need to face each other for the next 17 days."

Kanda nodded in understanding.

And Allen smiled at him for the first time since their first encounter.

- - - - -

"So Kanda was like 'Wanna have cupcakes over tea, bean sprout?' And Allen was like 'Sure, Kanda, I've been wanting for this for a long time now!'" Lavi was narrating to those who would listen to him, and that practically refers to the entire headquarters. Even General Cross was in the audience.

"Eh?! You're lying!" Someone shouted. "It's completely out of character for the both of them! _Talking_ over tea? How is that even humanly possible?!"

"Yeah!" went a chorus of response and loud chattering.

"I don't like cakes, bean sprout." went a voice in the cafeteria.

Everyone's head popped into the dining hall.

"And I only drink green tea. Authentic tea leaves brewed with pure, distilled water." They could hear Kanda saying. "Most wouldn't consider the importance of consuming authentic green tea, but I do."

A kid none other than Allen was sitting opposite from him, nodding away and then taking out his pencil to scribble into his notebook.

"I regard the consumption of health food of utmost importance. As I would always say 'The right diet, a right start to a day'."

"What about glucose?" asked Allen. "Glucose gives you energy. If you don't take any sweet things, won't you feel faint or exhausted?"

Kanda looked thoughtful. "Quite right bean sprout. That's why I replace my daily glucose intake with a small nutrition bar."

Allen nodded even more.

"I told you they were having cupcakes over tea." Lavi intoned.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I'm back! Didn't think I would let such a fun story die, did you? Okay, back to more craziness! I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I had enjoyed writing it. (:  
**

**DAY 3 – KANDA AND ALLEN DISCOVER A NUCLEAR BOMB**

"Okay, I'm here! Sorry for my late arrival, Lenalee had pulled me away for a spell." Allen settled himself on the seat before Kanda.

It was day three of their rendezvous; a small meeting they had planned to spare a few hours of _serious_ bonding session.

"She was asking about how things are going on between us. Quite ecstatic she was when I told her we are actually chatting without trying to rip each others' heads off..."

"Uhm, Kanda? Kandaaaa?" Allen waved his hands in front of the samurai's face. His eyes bore a stagnant, stolid gaze which seemed to penetrate through the piece of paper lying conspicuously before them.

The samurai was clearly in his own world.

At this precise moment, a brilliant plan struck Allen's mind! He has always wanted to try out this _thing_. Oh, you know, to make fun of others without their knowing. And Kanda's apparent stupor have impressed upon the adventurous boy of the perfect chance to execute this_ thing _ Lavi had invented as the 'Best way to make fun of your enemies!'

Allen grinned, eyes twinkling and all, like Bambi eyes, only evil.

The boy called his name again. Receiving no response, Allen started waving his hands frantically over his head like a mad monkey and then proceeded to stick out his tongue, doing a Hawaiian jingle on the side.

How the dance –brilliantly I daresay - invented was supposed to be an act of mockery, no sane man would ever know... what they do know however was that the Hawaiian-mixed-monkey dance was outrageous enough to shake Kanda out of his reverie for the next words sprouted out of his mouth were, "What are you, an idiot?"

Allen frowned, unhappy that he has to cut short his dance. "Oh, you were actually paying attention?"

"Well? What were you trying to do?" Kanda asked him, looking annoyed. "You weren't imitating Lavi's monkey dance, were you?"

"How did you know?"

It was at this point that Kanda wanted to grab Allen by his shoulders and curse some sense into him. But he wasn't about to divulge in the boy about how Lavi had forced him to dance the monkey dance after losing a bet.

"I know ALL, bean sprout, for I am all-knowing."

"Was that supposed to be an intelligent remark?"

"Shut up, I'd have you know that I was sane before THIS thing came along." Kanda shoved a folded parchment into Allen's hands.

Allen eyed the seemingly harmless pulp _suspiciously._

"This is not some elaborate plan you've concocted to make me pay for making fun of you, right?"

"No, I have other ways to make you pay, bean sprout, that I can assure you."

"Then… you're not trying to kill me with this paper?"

"As always, I try not to."

"Is there some sort of a microchip bomb embedded in this paper?"

"No."

"A chemical toxin?"

"No."

"A highly destructive biochemical nuclear bomb that explodes upon human contact because of the virus reaction to moist?"

Kanda's patience snapped. "You're begging me to throttle you, are you not? And for the last goddamn time, NO. There is NO microchip bomb, NO chemical toxin, and NO biochemical bomb!"

"You forgot something."

"What?"

"Nuclear bomb. You forgot the 'nuclear'. It makes all the difference you know!"

Kanda never understood why he had agreed to cooperate with this kid.

**DAY 3 – ALLEN LOSES HIS INNOCENCE**

"All right, so are we both reconciled to an agreement that there is no bomb in this paper?"

Allen laughed. "Of course! Any man could tell that there's no way a bomb could be hiding in this thin sheet of pulp!"

"Oh really? Which idiot claimed there was a dangerous bomb living in there?" Kanda scoffed.

"I was only kidding with you," Allen informed him, still chuckling. "Really, Kanda, you should learn how to take jokes. And besides, you were looking so awfully serious about that paper, I couldn't help but make a joke out of it."

"That paper is no joke at all."

"Huh?"

"Take a look at it, bean sprout. Look at the contents and you'll understand." said Kanda impatiently.

"You're being awfully stupid," said Allen, opening the object of contention gingerly. "What could be so bad about a piece of-W-WHAT IS THIS?"

There, taking up a good three quarters of the paper, was a..um.. .picture depicting a steamy tryst between you-know-who-they-are!

Poor Allen nearly fainted from pure fright.

While his heart managed to continue pumping blood to his brain so that he may retain his consciousness, Allen lost something very important on day three of their rendezvous.

**~o~o~0~o~o~**

"Ohhh…nice, very nice." Lavi commented, admiring the scandalous picture as if it was a work of pure genius.

Like Lenalee, he had been implored by Allen to help search for, and therefore apprehend, the artist criminally responsible for such an indecent picture.

They are embracing for god's sake! And naked, on top of that! No one goes around hugging others in their birthday suits! It was not-not normal! Unless you are queer but that's really going out of point…

"That is _not_ nice! It is-it is..." Allen fumbled over for words to condemn the highly provocative image, finding none, he continued feebly, "um..um…"

"Sexually stimulative?"

"No!"

"Erotic?" offered Lenalee, the girl who should have been the sanest one in the crowd.

"No!" Allen was indignant. "Are the both of you mentally unsound? It is..it is..impure!"

"Then, why are you blushing so furiously, Allen kun?" Lavi teased, placing his arms around Allen's shoulders in a brotherly fashion. "You don't have to lie to your elders, ya know!"

"I have to agree with Lavi on this one." Lenalee giggled. The big hoo-ha seemed, at least for Lenalee, a goodhearted attempt by fans to bring together the stubborn couple. Whether it worked remains uncertain. "Who could have thought such a prized picture would snuck its way out of the censored Yaoi section and into the hands of our innocent Allen kun?"

"I didn't find it. Kanda did."

Everyone turned to stare at the Japanese samurai. Kanda had his arms folded, eyes closed, with a steel cool air shrouding his figure. It was severely incongruous at this time of shocking revelation!

A silence commenced..until Lavi, with a wary eye, asked, "Yuu chan, you didn't steal from the yaoi section, did 'cha? And if you were gonna steal, you could have stolen a better one! I mean, you can't even see Allen's *beeped* in this one."

Alas! Day three of Kanda and Allen's rendezvous ended abruptly and proved highly unproductive because both of them have placed on their agenda a task to strangle the bunny boy.


End file.
